Day -5: Into the Unknown

"Whenever we think we know the future, even for a second, it changes. Sometimes the future changes quickly and completely. And we're left only with the choice of what to do next. We can choose to be afraid of it, to stand there, trembling, not moving, assuming the worst that can happen. Or we step forward into the unknown and assume it will be brilliant."

-from "Grey's Anatomy"

I'm here. It's 4:55 a.m.

Yesterday, at 9:30 a.m. I checked into the hospital for my transplant and I haven't had time to look back. I've just had my first 4:30 a.m. wake-up call for blood and in the next hour, I'll receive my first dose of IV chemo in the form of Fludarabine.

I got to my room last night around 7 p.m. after hours of waiting. We spent the most of my morning in the clinic meeting with my doctor one last time. We spent the early afternoon getting my line placed back in. Since we now know I am severely allergic to the Tegaderm adhesive dressings, I have a more cloth dressing now, thank goodness. No more blistering rashes!

Placing my line yesterday went, in my opinion, better than the first time. They couldn't get an IV in my to save their souls, but that's not their fault, that's my veins' fault! But luckily the PAC running my procedure could get access through the incision in my neck that he made to place the catheter and was able to sedate me from there, and aside from squeezing a nurse's hand a little too hard during the numbing, it went smoothly.

I was pretty happy until about 4:30 p.m. -- I'd started to think I was preternaturally adjusted to this line this time because I'd had one before and I knew how it felt. 

I WAS SO SILLY! 

The line and the trauma that went with it were still just as bad. Thank goodness they didn't even blink when I asked for something for pain. 

Finally, we were allowed to go up to 7 West which is an all adult BMT floor in what is otherwise a children's and women's hospital, with my three wheelchairs full of things to keep comfortable and make the space homey. I got the things I need to unpacked unpacked, then I set up my FireTV. If I want to play my Switch on the big screen, I'll need Kyle to help, because I only had one climb onto the counter in me and I've used it up! Anyhow, my mom and I watched Friends and ate chocolate ice cream. The TV here is AMAZING. The picture quality is better than any of our TVs at home, and they're no slouch to begin with.

It's 5:20 a.m. now and my first dose of Fludarabine has started. I'm also about to get Oxy for the pain from my line. It's no joke.

They've started me on Compazine (orally), Zofran (intravenously), and Decadron (intravenously) as of about 4:45 a.m. to get a jump on the nausea. Just in case, I have a beautiful pink bucket next to me, but my goal is to try and read a little, then sleep through it. The Decadron and Zofran are both making me tired already.

I have a checklist of things I have to do every day. It looks a little like this ...

• Brush my teeth -- two times a day
• Baking soda & salt water gargle -- four times a day
• Walk in the hall -- at least three times for 10 minutes (or however I want to get to thirty minutes)
• Water & fluids -- drink at least four big cups of water a day. I've already done two this morning, plus a chocolate milk
• Shower -- once a day
• CHG wipes -- these are sanitizing wipes I use on my line and around my dressing post-shower

So far, I've already knocked a couple things off my list!

They hooked me into my IV last night. It's going to go everywhere with me, even the shower! So if you're getting one, give it a name and learn to commit. Mine is named after my favorite current TV character, Dr. Spencer Reid, but he'll just go by Reid for short.

My Fludarabine has just finished. It's about 5:49 a.m. It takes about 30 minutes. My Busulfan is up next -- I'm nervous about this one. The Busulfan is supposed to be especially more toxic. One round of it takes about 3 hours.

The only snag so far is that I got this beautiful, five and a half foot wide panoramic poster of the New York Skyline, which I also have in my office, and I got a new second one that I planned to put it up here, and there's not one area with that kind of wall-real estate here. So it'll probably just go up in my room. 

My mom is with me right now and will be 'til about noon, then Kyle switches in for the next three days. I'm so grateful to have them with me. 

Leaving the dogs yesterday was the hardest part of the day. I cried into Juliette's fur for about 15 minutes. My hope (and if you're a positive thinker or a hoper or a praying person) is that Mira eats at least a little bit of her breakfast and doesn't throw it up and that Juliette isn't too depressed. I left them the blankets I've been using on the couch the past several days and I also left my old pillow (we just got new) that Juliette loves to snuggle. I hope this brings them comfort. And later today, I'll call and talk to them.

In the meantime, I'm just trying to get comfortable and try not to be too nervous.

Ask me your questions! If you aren't a part of my Facebook group already, here's the link: Heather's Leukemia and Bone Marrow Transplant Journey.

xo,
Heather