Day -4: Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"You can have the worst crap in the world happen to you and you can get over it. All you gotta do is survive."

-from Grey's Anatomy

So much has happened in the 50 or so hours since I got to the hospital on Wednesday. Everything still feels kind of surreal and I think that's partially because of how sleepy and tired I am.

I will say that, like most people told me, this chemo isn't the kind that hits you instantly and makes you just start vomiting organs left and right. Right now, I feel okay. My numbers are actually trending a little upward, which is probably due to two factors. 

First, I'm currently getting a big dose of Decadron, otherwise known as dexamethasone, which is a steroid that is helping protect my liver and also helping keep nausea at bay. Second, I stopped the Hydrea over the weekend in anticipation of my admission and that was keeping my white count in control. So my white count, for example has gone up from 10.4 to 14 in the short time I've been here.

Here's a fun fact about Decadron, which I've had many times, including several times for surgery: It can, all of a sudden, make you feel like your privates are on fire when it's administered. I suddenly had to ask my nurse if that was normal this morning. It was shocking as hell. So if it happens to you, it's normal, just a hell of a way to jolt awake!

I've also had a small change in my medications. I was fluconazole, otherwise known as Diflucan as a preventative anti-fungal medication. But because my liver needs protecting, they decided that Micafungin IV would be better for my liver and body overall.

Otherwise, my biggest symptom is that I'm more tired. They want me walking 30 minutes a day, which doesn't seem like a lot and in total, I've walked more than that all day, but they want you to go on dedicated walks and the fact is, simply, patients who walk more, do better. So I've been giving it my best. I went on almost 40 minutes of walks on my floor yesterday, which was better than a mile and a half, plus all the walking I do around my room and to the bathroom, which is frequent, because I'm a big water drinker and also they are pushing IV fluids to me all the time.

Today, I also had the privilege of meeting Mark, a man who had a BMT here almost 10 years ago and who for the past five years has been a volunteer and mentor with the program. I'd seen his picture and a display case with information about him as I was walking yesterday, so it was really nice to meet him. He's in his 60s and he beat cancer right here. He's very inspirational and extremely down to earth and real about the battle, without being negative. 

The thing I'm still most nervous for besides throwing up, is the mouth sores. I'm a bit of  worse when it comes to mouth pain and I also hate things that taste funny. So things that help me might be a struggle for me in a different way. 

Today was also a dressing change day for me. When I had my first line in back in June, it was sealed with a clear plastic window bandage, the adhesive for which burned me so bad I got blisters -- I react to adhesives easily, so this wasn't a shock overall, but the severity was alarming. But I was told there was another option in the hospital. The dressing I'm allergic to and that is most widely used is the Tegaderm bandage. The dressing I'm now using with my second line is called Medipore. It's a cloth dressing that is much less aggravating than the Tegaderm. The other thing I've noticed is that because I can't see the hole in my body with the tube coming out, I'm much less focused on it, which means less pain overall. It's not nearly as bad as the first time. 

Anyhow, that's all that's going on with me. Nothing huge to report, just tired and kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

xo,

Heather